As you may or may not remember, I had a blog. That blog was called Pink Space Lime. I ended it, very shortly after I publicly came out as non-binary, for personal reasons. But no more! I’m back baby!! Stick around as I tell you all about what I’ve been up to and what is to cum.
How My Life Has Changed
Since the last time you saw me, I have come out as non-binary, my pronouns are they/them/it, and I now go by Raven. My new descriptor in all things has become ‘Your favorite queer, alien Goddexx’. The beginning of my new sexuality journey was rough, to say the least, but I had such an amazing support group from people that I have friended on social media. Slowly, I am coming into my own and rediscovering who I am.
In addition to becoming a more evolved being, I have also been diving hard into acceptance of my autism and disabilities. My life has the joys of PCOS, autism (a recent addition), and other bodily yuckiness. I’m navigating those issues all the time, but I’ve only recently stared being more vocal about them on social media and I hope to transfer that to here.
Over all, my life hasn’t changed all that much. I’m still the agoraphobic hermit I once was, except now, refusing to leave your house is a good thing(?)! I’m also always trying to relearn how love myself more and more each day, while constantly trying to not overwhelm myself with the pressures of social media and capitalism…
What Am I Doing With My Life?
No that is not (entirely) an existential question. I’m actually doing stuff with my life now…at 30…after dealing with major mental and health trauma. Yay me…
Drawing is usually taking up a lot of my time. I draw a lot when I’m stressed, which, in this dumpster fire of a world, is often. Making pretty things has always been my go to serotonin boost. Plus, the fact that I’m constantly drawing gorgeous and inspirational babes makes it that much more enjoyable.
Photography has always been part of my creativity, but recently I’ve been reconnecting with it. I started by finally upgrading my equipment and taking some intro portraits of a friend. I love it so much. I know Covid is a real bitch right now, but I hope to continue with more people in the future. Currently, y’all will just have to deal with seeing my pretty face all the time.
Major Blog/Website Changes
Obviously, the biggest change is that my blog is now called Raven the Alien. I wanted the blog to be more….more. My old stuff is VERY focused on accepting your body, sexuality, not being ashamed of loving pleasure, etc. While that will always remain a constant throughout this thing, there will be SO much more I cover.
One of the first huge changes I am making is expanding beyond sexuality. Like I just mentioned, I will never NOT be open and honest about sexuality, but the posts I have in mind move to other things in ones life to love and discuss. I have a few mental health pieces on the books as well as a review on a product that can be very helpful for stimming in autistics.
Something you’ll see a lot more is the dramatic move away from gendered products and discussions. From now on, the products I review (sex toys, clothes, etc) will all be inclusive to everyone, whether that be from a literal POV or from the ‘be open minded’ POV. I’m not sure there is a great way to really explain this in a single paragraph, so just stick around and see what I’m on about.
I am so excited to restart this journey. When I began it last time, it changed my life in ways I don’t think I can ever explain. Now that I am in a totally different headspace than I was originally, I’m extra psyched.
You can be sure that fun things are coming in the future. I have so many ideas tumbling around in my chaotic little brain. As you all know, I can’t just sit around with only a few projects, I must have ALL the stress. But for now, I hope you’ll stick around to read to stories I have to tell and learn about the products I have to share.
Cleanliness is next to godliness, and when it comes to keeping your sex toys clean, it is an act of god. A mandatory exercise! Because no matter how much pleasure you derive from it, the toy needs to be squeaky clean and ready to use on the go!
So how do we go ahead and keep them clean and sparkling? This has been a question on our minds for a long time. Please remember, just water will not do, that dildo needs to be germ-free before it touches your nerves. The reason is plain and simple- our bodies, no matter how incredible they are, are a hive for the germs.
Be it the tongue or the vagina, they provide not just the moment of madness but plenty of microorganisms too. While that doesn’t mean the body is a bag full of dirt, the possibility of a bacterial buildup on the toys is for real.
The benefit of regularly cleaning the toys are manifold, it keeps them well serviced and hence the longevity. When they are serviced well, their performance will speak for itself. No woman would want her best rabbit vibrator shut off in the middle of a climax. The idea is to be as careful as possible. While you may want the sex to be dirty, you surely will not want the toys to be dirty too.
The ideal routine is to wash them before every use as well as after the use. Every sex toy comes with cleaning instructions and that needs to be followed. Also, the cleaning instructions vary with the material.
What Cleans What and How?
If it is made of silicone, glass, or wood and has a motor attached to it, the best way to get rid of those pestering microbes is with an antibacterial soap. After you have washed it well, wipe it clean with a dry cloth.
If it’s silicone, stainless steel, or stone and does not have a motor attached to it, hot water does the trick. Place them under hot water for a full 10 minutes and the results would be fruitful. One can run it through the dishwater too without even need of the soap. The steam will take care of the germs.
Leather gives you pleasure. However, it is also an exotic material and needs a lot of attention. The product needs to be wiped with a damp cloth soaked in soap. One can also use a leather cleaner. Friendly advice, never soak the leather. It will lose its texture and softness forever. After it has been cleaned, use a leather conditioner to recondition it. Leather toys have metal parts attached to it. To protect them from rusting, use nail polish. One cleaning hack that has never failed.
However, probably the best way to clean your sex toys are special toy cleaning products, but also not all of them. Antibacterial soaps as well as alcohol that can be found in many sex toy cleaning products can dry out your sex toy. When buying a sex toy cleaner, you should keep an eye on several ingredients. We recommend avoiding alcohol, triclosan, parabens and glycerine as those are harsh chemicals and can be harmful to your body.
In case you’re wondering which one is a good choice, here’s one – Intimate Earth Green Foaming Toy Cleaner, sold by MedAmour. And not only are the ingredients great, but this cleaner does a great job with silicone, glass and stainless steel toys.
Why the fuss?
Sex toys are primarily tools that will be used over the human body and some, a few inches inside. That makes them high precision tools of sorts. Pun apart, before buying a sex toy, remember to check how body safe is it. Or whether the material that has been used to build these toys are safe for the human body.
Materials like jelly, Cyberskin, vinyl and rubber should best be avoided, they are porous and generally difficult to maintain. Porous materials have pockets within their structure that can collect body fluids, which is a conducive environment for germs. That is why, non-porous objects are easy to maintain, and hence they last longer too.
Should you use toys made of said materials, we recommend using condoms. Not only are they almost impossible to clean, but materials like vinyl and rubber can contain dangerous chemicals (phthalates) which are dangerous for your skin. So the best you can do is to stay away.
Nothing works better than boiling. Simply insert the toys into a mug of boiling water and let it take care of all the germs that. Be careful of some toys though. And this is important for the ones which have a motor attached to it, check whether it is detachable. If yes, the battle is won. Separate, splash the part minus the motor into hot water. Take it out and wipe it clean.
Lovemaking is a pleasurable experience and a memorable one too, if everything planned stays on course. However, safety trumps all, and with our how to keep sex toys clean advisory, you can go one notch up and turn it harder.
Spices of Lust is a blog created by Leja and Luka, a couple in their mid-20’s. Initially, Spices of Lust was supposed to be a place to share our journey exploring sexuality, but it evolved to be so much more. Both of them enjoy crafting content related to sex and that is why, their blog is home to many guides, ideas, sex toy reviews, and occasional erotic stories. Since they moved to the US, not even 2 years ago, Spices of Lust gained traction and got picked in Top 100 sex blogs of 2019 as well as Top 10 new blogs of 2019. When they are not taking pictures of dildos or writing about floggers, Luka enjoys cooking and Leja enjoys eating. Find them online @spicesoflust
My name is Holly and I am submissive. I know, it sounds like a 12-step introduction, but submission is a very particular sexual identification in the BDSM community and I am rather proud of that association. I did not choose submission or this lifestyle; I am submissive and I am a part of the lifestyle whether I participate actively or not. In fact, I eat, breath, sleep, write about, fantasize about, and feel submission in every aspect of my life. I use what I have learned through submissive play in both my personal and professional life.
However, as with many things in life, submission comes with suffering. To say I wasn’t prepared for the disappointments is an understatement. But as the Buddhists say, “no mud, no lotus.” If we know how to use the mud, or pain, we can learn to grow beautiful lotuses, or joy. We cannot seek or focus on pleasure exclusively as we may begin to believe emotional pain is something to avoid at all costs. There are lessons in that pain, and I’m about to share some of mine.
Sub frenzy is a crazy roller coaster ride that comes with no warning. It was like a switch had turned on and all of my senses were suddenly alive and raw. I became unhinged and my inner slut emerged. I hungered for Domination. I didn’t care if He ever wanted to see me again, I simply never wanted the feeling to end. Every bite, slap, orgasm, and bruise sent me into a state of euphoria more pleasurable than anything I had experienced. I wanted to be used 24/7. I lacked discernment and I did not ask appropriate questions. As a result, I placed myself into some very unsafe situations that I am grateful to have come out of unharmed.
Along with meeting with Dominants, I was reading everything I could get my hands on regarding the various types of submissives and the kinds of relationships that existed. I joined Fetlife and started learning about kinks. All I wanted to do was talk about my newfound self, but I didn’t have any friends in the lifestyle. I had read about a term called “subsister,” but how the hell was I supposed to make female friends when all I cared about is being choked, gagged, spanked, and disciplined? Frenzy is this crazy, slutty little minx that wants her way and doesn’t care about the consequences.
Frenzy may come and go for a submissive, but for me it lasted almost a year. It wasn’t until I experienced a particular Dominant that my mind quieted and I understood what I am and who I was meant for. I saw and felt my purpose so clearly that frenzy subsided. It was a relief, to be honest. Now that I am out of frenzy, I can see its importance and see how pivotal it was in shaping me as a submissive. I was free and open and I didn’t have any judgments about what I would or wouldn’t do. Playtime was my classroom and I wanted a PhD in submission. Now I know my submission is constantly evolving and there is no limit on what I can learn or experience.
During sub frenzy, I wanted to tell everyone about this fantastic thing I had discovered about myself. My passion for BDSM was oozing from every pore in my body. I was so overwhelmed and excited, I didn’t realize – or remember – how closed minded most of society is about sexual taboos. Until the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) was released in 2013, BDSM was considered a deviant behavior and could warrant loss of children in a custody battle. BDSM was not dinner table conversation and there are a lot of misconceptions of the lifestyle.
Regardless of that fact, I began telling friends of my new found self, and I was met with both negative and inflammatory reactions. I was called a slut, a sex addict, a doormat, ignorant, and stupid among other things. I was confused at their responses. These were my friends and they knew me. Some said I was going through a phase and it would pass, mid-life crisis even. I was given an ultimatum from my best friend at the time to get professional help or the friendship would end.
There was nothing medically wrong with me and that I was a consenting adult, so the friendship ended. To be judged, labeled and abandoned for my sexual preference was humiliating, and it opened up a new world of understanding regarding all types of lifestyles. This was a really painful lesson and I learned to stay quiet and hide. I learned that no matter how progressive the world may seem, conversations around sexual behaviors and practices are still very uncomfortable for most individuals, and here I was singing the praises of ropes and riding crops. I had to make new friends. BDSM is about community and sharing experiences, and this journey is not meant to be taken alone. Slowly, I began to find new, kinky friends and I felt safe discussing my needs and asking questions.
FINDING A PARTNER
I was recently single after a 19 year marriage and I was re-entering the dating pool in the age of technology. It was scary as fuck, and I felt so far out of my comfort zone. But it was dating that led to my discovery of BDSM and my unbridled passion for it. A chance conversation with a man I had been seeing changed my life forever. We explored a bit of bondage and I experienced surrender for the very first time. The freedom and release I experienced in that singular moment was a rebirth. I was forever changed I could not go back to vanilla sex.
I began to read about submission the next day and I joined Fetlife. It didn’t take long before the messages came flooding in (Dominants love a newbie submissive). There are also a few dating sites that are for kink minded individuals. I have had success with both Kinkd and Feeld. That being said, on all three sites, anyone can say they are Dominant and they can say they are looking for exactly the same things. I learned the hard way most Dominants just want to play and do not want the responsibility that goes along with engaging with a submissive – I will get to that subject later on.
There was a lot of excitement around potential partners that was followed by heartbreak. No matter how well I communicated my desires and needs, I was left with the same result after playtime; silence. Finding a good match is extremely difficult. Dating conversations in the kink realm generally begin with, “so what are you looking for?” Sex is usually the first topic on the table and it all begins to look like a negotiation. I learned that if our kinks and sexual desires didn’t align, I didn’t want to take the time to meet. I learned to ask questions like, “how do you manage sub drop,” and “have you ever had a D/s relationship?” I learned to feel into my intuition and energy and pick up on social cues from the very first message.
In the beginning, however, I was hungry for attention and domination. Sub frenzy is insatiable and she wants whatever interaction she can get. But I learned to place some very strict boundaries around offering myself to a Dominant. Submission is a gift we present to a deserving partner. It is not something to be demanded in the first conversation. No, I will not be calling you Sir or Master from the start. I have learned to say no and trusted a gentleman would show himself eventually.
The most painful aspect of submission for me is sub drop. Sub drop is an emotional and physical experience that mirrors depression. It is a result of crashing hormones after a very intense scene with a partner. It can also occur when a relationship ends with a Dominant. Drop can range from mild symptoms of fatigue to overwhelming feelings of dread and physical pain. The first time I experienced sub drop I had no idea what was happening to me. I felt confused, depressed, scared, unworthy, shame, physical pain, exhaustion, and bewilderment.
I had engaged in several scenes with one particular Dominant over a three week period. Our sessions were intense and sex was transcendent, leaving me floating on clouds for days. There was not enough time in between our sessions for me to come down, so when I finally experienced a drop, it was like crashing into a brick wall and I was alone. The Dominant neither warned me of drop nor supported me through it. He did not return my messages or calls and was completely unavailable to me. His silence added to my feelings of shame and abandonment. It was another Dominant friend that noticed what was happening and he guided and supported me while I navigated my way out of it. I am forever grateful for his assistance and his selfless act of service toward me.
Each submissive experiences drop differently, and the time frame ranges for each of us. What I have learned about myself is that I experience a drop three to five days after a scene, depending on its intensity. So while a Dominant is cuddling me after our session that very same night believing he is giving me after care, I don’t generally want closeness at that time. I am still in a euphoric state feeling all the sensations in my body; I am energized, alert and over stimulated. Any effort of care and connection at that time are somewhat lost on me. I now try to take some of that affection in as I know what will happen to me in the days to come. Regardless of whether I receive after care in the coming days from a partner or not, I have incorporated some practices to care for myself. I make sure to rest, drink lots of water, eat properly for my body, and get gentle exercise. I try to get outside in the sun and walk. I take baths and indulge in self care.
Submissives become another version of themselves during drop and our behavior is quite unpredictable during this time. We will say and feel ridiculous things about ourselves and our partners. We may even act out and seek pleasure or attention from another Dominant to fill the perceived void. This need for validation and reassurance is intense and as important as air. Not every Dominant is willing to guide us through this critical time, but they should be. It is ok to be needy and scared and crave affection and attention. It is ok to feel bad about what happened during a scene and to question our desires and values. What is not okay is for the Dominant to be unavailable during this time. This was an extremely difficult learning curve for me, and I have accepted that there are no guarantees a partner will be able to meet your needs after a session.
NO MUD, NO LOTUS
Despite all that I have highlighted above, being submissive is who I am; this lifestyle is not a choice for me.. The lows of this journey are as equally important as the highs, and the growth I have experienced is priceless. I have learned to communicate my needs, to create boundaries and, most importantly, how to say no. I have forged some beautiful relationships with Dominants, submissives and myself. And the most profound aspect is that the journey never ends. I evolve as a human when I put myself out there and take risks. I have learned to use my suffering as a gateway to understanding and realizing true happiness. No mud, no lotus my friends.
Holly Deeply is a submissive/sacred slut living in Southern California. Writing allows her to share her experiences and passion for BDSM. Healing through D/s play and writing about it is something she hopes to inspire in others living their truth through submission.
This is one of the topics that I, unfortunately, know nothing about. Because of that, I reached out to fellow sex bloggers for the information. I was super grateful to @kelvinsparks_ for helping me out on this one!
So, put simply, a strap-on is a combination of a toy used for penetration (usually a dildo), and a harness to keep it attached to one person’s body. Strap-ons have existed for thousands of years- there’s evidence of them existing in Ancient Greece, and even as far back as the Upper Paleolithic. While they’ve historically had a reputation for being a toy exclusively for cisgender lesbians, strap-ons can be used by people of all genders, bodies, and sexual orientations for any number of reasons.
Anyone can wear a strap-on, and you can use a strap-on to penetrate a partner of any gender with any kind of body. You can use a strap-on for vaginal penetration, anal penetration, oral penetration, or even for manual sex. Plenty of cis straight men enjoy being anally penetrated by a cis female partner wearing a strap-on, transmasculine people of all orientations may enjoy using a strap-on for gender euphoria reasons, cisgender men may enjoy wearing one to offset difficulties with erectile dysfunction or to have double-penetrative sex, and transfeminine people may enjoy wearing one as a way to have penetrative sex without interacting directly with their genitals, or to offset the difficulties with erectile dysfunction that oestrogen hormone replacement therapy can cause.
A strap-on consists of two parts- the harness and the dildo- and while you can get “kits” that include both, it’s useful to discuss each separately. The dildo has a flared based, and the harness typically has an O shaped ring that the dildo can be threaded through.
Harness come in three general styles- three strap/jockstrap, two strap/thong, and underwear style harnesses. The three strap/jockstrap has loops around the waist and each leg, which allows for a lot of customisation of fit, leaves the wearer exposed for additional stimulation, and provides a lot of control. A two strap/thong style harness has one loop around the waist and one between the legs. While it doesn’t leave the wearer exposed some people enjoy the stimulation from the middle strap, and two strap harnesses still provide a reasonable amount of control. Finally, underwear style harnesses are designed to fit like a pair of normal underwear, and available in boxer brief styles or more feminine styles. They are easier to put on, as they’re strap free, but offer less support, so are less suited to larger or heavier dildos.
There are of course other styles of harness, such as boot harnesses, thigh harnesses, hand harnesses, or even harness masks. To make sure a harness fits properly, check both the size of your waist and hips, and the minimum and maximum diameter that the harness’ O-ring can accommodate. Some harnesses do have swappable O-rings, but either way you want the toy to fit in snugly without moving around.
When getting a dildo for your first strap-on, the best measurement to look at is girth, not length. The partner being penetrated doesn’t have to take the whole length of the dildo, but they will have to take the girth. You’ll lose a bit of the length from just wearing it in a harness, and having some excess length to play with will make positioning and thrusting easier to figure out. Fingers are a good way to figure out sizing- can the partner being penetrated comfortable take one, two, or three fingers? A whole fist? The diameter of however many they can comfortably take is a good indicator of the diameter of the right dildo for you. Make sure that the dildo diameter and base fit into your harness O-ring, and make sure that your dildo is made from a body safe material like silicone.
I have said this so many times, especially when it comes to sex and kink, there is no such thing as normal. Normal is whatever you want it to be. If you’re married with 3 kids, ‘normal’ might be once a month. If you’re newly dating someone you find insanely attractive, ‘normal’ might be once per day. That isn’t including SO many other factors that come into play. The most important thing is any relationship is communication. Only you can know what you need and what works for you.
Because this is such a common question, I really wanted to get other peoples opinions and advice on it. I reached out to Korppi King and Kaja Echo to help me put into words what a ‘normal’ sex life might look like. Read what these awesome humans have to say about it below!
This is not an easy question to answer, because there really isn’t a right answer. How much sex is normal to someone depends entirely upon the person, their partners, and even elements of their environment and upbringing. Despite the repetition of sexual standards in magazines, movies, and sitcoms, sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all thing. Sure, books and magazines will tell you that a married couple should be having sex at least three times a week, and you’ll hear people say that you should have at least three orgasms a day, but, in reality, it’s difficult to say how much is too little, just enough or too much without taking individuality into account. Sex and how often you have it is a question of complex, personal, and dynamic rhythms and desires that you can’t really quantify with an easy answer.
Sexual appetite varies from person to person, as does our need for sex within a relationship (if, in fact, that’s how you’re choosing to have sex). Some people need sex. Some people don’t. Some people don’t like sex physically, but may feel attraction to other people. Some people don’t feel sexual attraction or desire, but may or may not enjoy the physical sensations associated with sex. And taking our masturbation habits and our nuanced definitions of the word “sex” into consideration only muddies the situation further. Do we count masturbation in our measurement of our appetite for sex? Or do we count only the acts we perform with other people? In that case, where do we draw the line—mutual masturbation, hand jobs, cunnilingus, or just penetrative sex? No matter how we define and measure sex, the answer will still be different for everyone. Just look at the sexual appetites in my own house, for example. I usually want or need to have sex every other day if not once a day. Sometimes more often. Of my two partners, one needs to have sex about five times a week and the other (typically) wants or needs it much less often. None of us is right or wrong. There’s not really a baseline from which any of us deviates. We’re all just different from each other in how much sex we want.
Environmental, emotional, physical and mental changes can also impact our sex lives. Whether it’s a change in our diet or daily routine or a psychological event or change, our sexual appetites respond to fluctuations in and around us. Some people, for example, respond to depression and anxiety by shutting down their sexual systems. Some people have the completely opposite reaction. Even if we don’t realize it, our health, self image, energy level and mindset plays a big part in how aroused and arousing we feel. And so do changes in around relationships or in our routines with each other. I can’t tell you how much my libido spiked when one of my partners and I took ballroom dance classed together—nor can I try to explain how little sexual energy I felt when the same partner and I went to a tantric sex workshop just a month later. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense—and maybe it’s a change we don’t even notice—but it impacts our sex life and temporarily changes our definition of normal.
Simply put, there is no normal. Not for everyone. Instead of asking yourself how much sex is normal, try asking “How much sex is healthy and comfortable for me?” Ask yourself first if your needs are met and if you are comfortable and satisfied without the amount of sex you’re having. If the answer to those questions is yes, ask yourself if the amount of sex you have is hurting you, hurting someone else, or hampering your ability to function in the rest of your life at or above your functionality baseline. If the answer is no, it could be worth taking some time to reevaluate your sex attitudes and routines.
Most of us have deeply ingrained, socially reinforced ideas about how much and what kind of sex we should be having. Media of all kinds is constantly showing us imagery of happy couples boning for hours every single day of the week. We’re also told that if you want sex *too* much, there must be something wrong with you. It’s hard to navigate these images without the feeling that you’re coming up short in some way.
So what’s the “right” amount of sex to have? What is normal? If you do a Google search using the question posed, you’ll find millions of results and article after article about sexual desire and communication. Everyone has a different opinion and many of these opinions change from year to year.
The level of sexual desire one has will always vary! There is no “normal.” Strike that word from your vocabulary now. Whatever you enjoy safely and consensually is a-okay!
If you feel that you’re not having enough sex, take an inventory of how you’re feeling overall. Have you been sick recently or do you have a chronic illness or disability that makes having sex less than optimal for you at times? Are you stressed about things going on at work or at home? Maybe you’re just plain tired and not getting enough sleep. If you have a partner(s), how’s your relationship going? Are you feeling disconnected in any way? It might be a good time to do an emotional check-in with your partner about how you’re both feeling if you haven’t been getting it on recently. They might also be experiencing a low sex drive or their own stresses or aches. Communicate your needs and see if that helps you get back on track.
If you feel that you’re having *too* much sex, well… you probably aren’t unless it’s distressing to you, you’re finding it difficult to accomplish other, non-sexual things, or it’s physically hurting you and/or your partner(s). If everything’s cool on those fronts, I say keep on having fun and don’t worry that you’re abnormal. You’re not. You just like a lot of sex!
I recommend some time and energy devoted to determining what amount of sex feels right to you. Do some journaling; make some notes about your own desire. How much sex feels healthy? Are there times when your drive is overwhelming? Are you worried about your lack of libido? What might stand in the way?
It’s also really important to ask these questions of yourself before communicating with your partner(s) about what you need and want. But I do highly recommend discussing these issues with your partner and checking in about what works for them.
All in all, dear reader, I hope you know that ideas of what’s “normal” shift over time and are based on social mores of whatever time we’re living in. The frequency with which most adults have sex now would probably be unheard of a hundred years ago. And a hundred years from now, it will be different again. As long as you’re staying safe and healthy and consensual, have as much or as little sex as you’d like. It’s ALL good!
*Unfortunately, after finishing this piece I found out that Korppi King is no longer on social media. If she ever decides to recreate her social media profiles, I will update this post with her new information!
Recently, some of you may have noticed me talking a lot about my ‘missing’ orgasms. It’s not like I don’t have them, they are just very hard to come by. It makes me sad, mad, frustrated, and sometimes a little crazy. My own personal mental and physical health issues are huge factors, I know this, but I can’t be alone. I need to know that I am not the only person who can’t cum within mere minutes of diddling.
My solo orgasm, with a toy, took approx 25 minutes. The average ‘aroused’ vulva having person takes about 20 minutes to orgasm, while the average penis having person only takes about 5 minutes. That is just the average. In reality, I’m with a partner that has a hard time lasting 5 minutes, and I last much longer than the ‘average’ 25 minutes. Not really a great mix. We’re definitely working on it all. With him we’ve tried cock rings and other methods, which seem to be working great, so don’t feel too bad.
Some (bio)logical reasons for my lack of orgasms or difficulty finding them could be my anti anxiety meds or my PCOS. It’s fairly common for anti anxiety meds to reduce libido so that could be something to explore. I am currently taking 40mg of Prozac every day, which isn’t the highest dosage but I take it alongside Buspirone. Prozac is one of the worst SSRIs for sexual drive, so there’s really no surprise there. I am actually going to start halving my dosage gradually to see how that affects everything. Unfortunately, it can take up to 2 months to start to see any changes.
With PCOS, my hormones are all sorts of fucked up so I’m sure that plays into it sometimes. Also, with PCOS, changes in libido are very common. Low testosterone levels usually lead to a low libido. On the other hand, like me, high testosterone issues lead to high libido, but it also leads to some other not-so-attractive issues. Besides libido, PCOS may be a factor in sensitivity and mental health problems surrounding the illness.
I’ve also found that a lot of my issues come from mental blocks. My ex was abusive as I have talked about many times. He used orgasms as a ‘punishment’ when he was upset. He ended up bruising my pelvic bone a few times with how rough he was with me. I ended up having to continuously fake my orgasms just to get him to stop. As a result, I didn’t have my first partnered orgasm until a couple months into my relationship with my husband. I was sick of lying about it and I told him that I had been faking. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I really understood why.
Within the last few days I have been diving deep into my past and traumas to maybe find something there. Yes, I was abused as a child, yes, I had an extremely abusive ex, but I never saw anything there to indicate why those events were affecting what was happening now, with the exception of the fact that I still have some insecurities about whether or not I ‘deserve’ to be worshiped and given orgasms, even solo.
Most of the time I feel like my partner is getting bored or is hurting his arm/legs/jaw in some way because it’s taking too long. He has REPEATEDLY told me this is not the case. He loves making me cum no matter how long it takes because he likes to think of it as a fun challenge. One of his favorite things is watching me get off and maybe that pressure doesn’t help. The idea that I can’t a lot of the time makes me feel so self conscious and frustrated. I feel like I’m letting both of us down. I’m a sex blogger for fucks sake. My job is to have orgasms.
I also found out a weird thing. Before my accident, when I hated my body, I was entirely able to have partnered orgasms and easy solo orgasms. Now, I love my body and it’s the hardest thing in the world. Maybe before I thought about my body so entirely that the other stuff never came to mind, and now I have nothing to distract myself from the possibility of being annoying.
As for solo orgasms, I feel like a major factor in my issues with those is the expectation of an orgasm. I cannot stop thinking about what will get me off versus what feels really good. I mean, it all feel amazing, but even when I’m just playing with myself, I get the anxiety thoughts of ‘this is taking too long, you’re not normal’.
I was reading another sex blog the other day and the author was saying that 10 minutes to orgasm was a long time and it was frustrating for her. While I do understand that every body and mind is different, I would KILL to have an orgasm in 10 minutes. This is definitely the type of stuff that I should not be focusing on, but most of the time I can’t help it when thoughts like this pop into my head.
My partner has been so supportive through all of this. His sex drive isn’t as high as mine so sometimes he doesn’t really mind, but he definitely sympathizes with how frustrating this is for me, someone who used to be a 2+ times per day masturbater. While I’m waiting to see if reducing my medication dosage makes things better, we’re still going to work on everything as if that isn’t going to help. Hopefully, eventually, I can focus of the moment instead of that huge pressure to have an orgasm.
Since sex drive, wetness, and most other things that go along with ‘sexual dysfunction’ are not an issue, we’ll continue on the path of toys. Since both of my jobs are all about sex toys, I have a plethora. Changing it up seems to help, but when I’m having a particularly rough couple of weeks, I like to stick to what I know. That way there are no surprises (good or bad). This helps me stay more focused because I know what that particular toy does for me.
When I am having problems for a long period of time, the thing that has worked for me is extreme distraction. I usually blast a fan and some music just to get my mind off of life. The fan is great white noise and the music I chose usually has really harsh beats that I can find a toy or finger rhythm to.
The most important thing that I can express to anyone who is reading this who is having issues is communicate. Whether that be to a partner, a doctor, a therapist, etc, just talk. Make sure the people who need to know (and should know) what is going on inside your head are kept in the loop. Also, of you’re considering going on or off medication ALWAYS talk to a doctor. These types of medications are no joke.
Hey everyone! This is a super short update and announcement blog. Not only have I started up body positive modeling (YAY) but I also got a part time retail job at an amazing adult shop!! My life is officially FULL of amazing sex related things. I am so fucking happy!!
A major announcement that I wanted to tell you is that I am starting an advice thread/column/post called ‘Between the Sheets’! Once a month (or more) I’m going to be posting a Q’s that ya’ll have sent to me via email, social media, etc, and I will be answering them all. Sex, toys, relationships, kinks, lions tigers, bears, etc, nothing is off the table with this. Ask away. I will also have guest educators on the blog who can elaborate and for questions that I cannot confidently answer alone.
If you want to send in a question or volunteer to be a guest, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can DM me on social media but I cannot promise to read everything that comes through there. The first ‘Between the Sheets’ will be posted on September 5th!
To keep up with my goings on be sure to follow me on Twitter @pinkspacelime and as always if you are interested in working with me, having me review your products, have a toy suggestion, or anything else, contact me here!
Podcasts are amazing. They can be educational, entertaining, or all of the above. Being a sex blog, I decided to share some of my favorite sex podcasts that you can find on almost all streaming platforms. I chose these based on the information they share, how entertaining they were to listen to, and the type of topics they discuss.
I focused on podcasts that had a broad spectrum of material and didn’t focus on anything too specific. There are so many wonderful kink, BDSM, polyamory, queer, female, etc, focused podcasts out there. Eventually I will be writing blog posts for all of those topics, but for now, I wanted to keep it simple.
The five podcasts I have listed below are in no particular order. That would have been WAY too complicated and I didn’t want you to go into this list with any preconceived notions that I had any favorites. They are all fantastic. If you have any questions or recommendations for podcasts we should add to this list, comment below or email me at email@example.com.
Sluts and Scholars
Nicoletta Heidegger is a licensed MFT and sexologist and Simone is an actor-turned-law-student who really likes to talk about sex. Together, they chat with folks from across sexuality, kink and professional spectrums about desire, pleasure, shame, stigma and (of course) bodily functions.
With a combination of irreverence and expertise, we talk about any subject, even more sensitive ones, like HIV stigma and non-offending minor-attracted persons. What else is on the docket? Anything remotely related to sexual, reproductive and bodily autonomy; from the indigenous menstrual practices of the Hupa Valley tribe, to beauty confidence advice from Dita von Teese, anal sex pro tips from Jessica Drake, non-consensual objectification with Amber Heard and what it’s REALLY like being in a 24/7 BDSM relationship.
Sluts and Scholars is raw, funny, and educational. I have listened to almost every episode of this podcast in the last week. The hosts are so entertaining and passionate about everything they talk about. Their banter is wonderful and it always keeps the episode going. The guests are really professional and educated on the topics being discussed.
The newest episode (111) is SO powerful. They discuss the importance of acceptance of sexuality, sex workers, and sex education across the world, specifically on social media. This is such a hot button topic at the moment and they don’t hold back. You get to learn what their own experiences are with censorship, plus you get to hear from a couple of guests who have a wonderful perspective on this issue.
The Manwhore Podcast is hosted by stand up comedian, Billy Procida. The name speaks for itself, but this podcast is real provocative. The most recent episode features Dante Nero (227), and one of the top episodes of all time involves the host is literally getting a ‘happy ending’ massage during the episode (157). That one is particularly fun.
This is a sex podcast, so of course there’s gonna be some shit you don’t agree with. If you just keep listening, there are so many amazing episodes that deal with contemporary topics such as body positivity, sexual orientation, gender, sex workers, and sexual freedoms. This is a really great podcast to listen to if you want to keep up with the world of sex.
His Patreon has all sorts of fun NSFW content including bonus episodes, conversations, announcements, and some naughty nudes. He also hosts ManwhoreCon once a year and I am actually publishing this post one day after the event ends for 2019. ManwhoreCon is definitely on my list of events to attend in the future. Apparently it’s loads (punny) of fun.
Bawdy Storytelling is a wild fucking ride! This podcast is hosted by Dixie De La Tour, a professional sexual folklorist and storyteller. This podcast has opened my eyes to new things. I’ve laughed and I’ve cried (mostly from laughing). Overall, this is a really unique podcast experience.
The title song ‘My Vagina is 8 Miles Wide’ by Storm Large is such a catchy song. It makes me smile, sing along, and prepares me for the journey that is this episodes story. Each week Dixie introduces the storyteller and then that person tells us a story. The most recent stories involve vaginismus (83) and polyamory (82).
The stories are told in such a way that truly make you see the situation. The amount of detail that is put into these performances is astounding. Sometimes they are told by professionals, and sometimes it’s just a regular ol’ person like you and me. There are so many secrets spilled and fetishes destigmatized. You will definitely connect with these stories, and if not, hey, you learned something new, maybe even about yourself.
This podcast was actually suggested to me by Billy from The Manwhore Podcast, and I am so happy he did! This podcast is fucking hilarious. Sex Talk with My Mom is hosted by KarenLee and her son Cam Poter. He is a stand up comedian and she is a sex educator and self proclaimed ‘cougar’.
I would have never thought that a SEX podcast with a dude and his mom would be so amazing. I love that the episodes aren’t too long either. I think the longest episodes are around 65 minutes, but those still go by really quick because these two are just hilarious.
This is more of a stories and comedy podcast. There’s not too much scientific talk, but it’s really fun to hear about everyone’s experiences with different sexual encounters. Sometimes they have professional/famous guests and sometimes it’s call in guests that are just regular people.
Shameless Sex podcast is hosted by Amy Baldwin, a sex and relationship coach (among other amazing things), and April Lampert, the VP of Hot Octopuss pleasure toys. “Together, Amy and April combined forces to create the Shameless Sex Podcast, inspiring radical self-love, sexual empowerment, and shame-free intimacy. Shameless Sex is unabashed real talk about sexuality with a playful twist. From Pussy Praising to How to Be A Badass in the Bedroom, Amy and April are not afraid to tell it like it is.”(s)
This podcast delves into all types of topics and they deal with a lot more of the technical/scientific side of sexuality. They give you tips and tricks for making your sex life amazing and understanding and accepting your own sexuality. The hosts are funny, entertaining, and could seriously be my best friends.
This is a really great podcast to listen to while your at work. Not too many ‘laugh out loud’ moments, so you won’t get those weird looks as you might with the others on this list. This podcast is quite mellow so it’s really lovely to relax to.