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Adult Content Blog Posts ETC Sexual Wellness Talk

Where is My Orgasm?

Recently, some of you may have noticed me talking a lot about my ‘missing’ orgasms. It’s not like I don’t have them, they are just very hard to come by. It makes me sad, mad, frustrated, and sometimes a little crazy. My own personal mental and physical health issues are huge factors, I know this, but I can’t be alone. I need to know that I am not the only person who can’t cum within mere minutes of diddling.

My solo orgasm, with a toy, took approx 25 minutes. The average ‘aroused’ vulva having person takes about 20 minutes to orgasm, while the average penis having person only takes about 5 minutes. That is just the average. In reality, I’m with a partner that has a hard time lasting 5 minutes, and I last much longer than the ‘average’ 25 minutes. Not really a great mix. We’re definitely working on it all. With him we’ve tried cock rings and other methods, which seem to be working great, so don’t feel too bad.

Some (bio)logical reasons for my lack of orgasms or difficulty finding them could be my anti anxiety meds or my PCOS. It’s fairly common for anti anxiety meds to reduce libido so that could be something to explore. I am currently taking 40mg of Prozac every day, which isn’t the highest dosage but I take it alongside Buspirone. Prozac is one of the worst SSRIs for sexual drive, so there’s really no surprise there. I am actually going to start halving my dosage gradually to see how that affects everything. Unfortunately, it can take up to 2 months to start to see any changes.

With PCOS, my hormones are all sorts of fucked up so I’m sure that plays into it sometimes. Also, with PCOS, changes in libido are very common. Low testosterone levels usually lead to a low libido. On the other hand, like me, high testosterone issues lead to high libido, but it also leads to some other not-so-attractive issues. Besides libido, PCOS may be a factor in sensitivity and mental health problems surrounding the illness.

I’ve also found that a lot of my issues come from mental blocks. My ex was abusive as I have talked about many times. He used orgasms as a ‘punishment’ when he was upset. He ended up bruising my pelvic bone a few times with how rough he was with me. I ended up having to continuously fake my orgasms just to get him to stop. As a result, I didn’t have my first partnered orgasm until a couple months into my relationship with my husband. I was sick of lying about it and I told him that I had been faking. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I really understood why.

Within the last few days I have been diving deep into my past and traumas to maybe find something there. Yes, I was abused as a child, yes, I had an extremely abusive ex, but I never saw anything there to indicate why those events were affecting what was happening now, with the exception of the fact that I still have some insecurities about whether or not I ‘deserve’ to be worshiped and given orgasms, even solo.

Most of the time I feel like my partner is getting bored or is hurting his arm/legs/jaw in some way because it’s taking too long. He has REPEATEDLY told me this is not the case. He loves making me cum no matter how long it takes because he likes to think of it as a fun challenge. One of his favorite things is watching me get off and maybe that pressure doesn’t help. The idea that I can’t a lot of the time makes me feel so self conscious and frustrated. I feel like I’m letting both of us down. I’m a sex blogger for fucks sake. My job is to have orgasms.

I also found out a weird thing. Before my accident, when I hated my body, I was entirely able to have partnered orgasms and easy solo orgasms. Now, I love my body and it’s the hardest thing in the world. Maybe before I thought about my body so entirely that the other stuff never came to mind, and now I have nothing to distract myself from the possibility of being annoying.

As for solo orgasms, I feel like a major factor in my issues with those is the expectation of an orgasm. I cannot stop thinking about what will get me off versus what feels really good. I mean, it all feel amazing, but even when I’m just playing with myself, I get the anxiety thoughts of ‘this is taking too long, you’re not normal’.

I was reading another sex blog the other day and the author was saying that 10 minutes to orgasm was a long time and it was frustrating for her. While I do understand that every body and mind is different, I would KILL to have an orgasm in 10 minutes. This is definitely the type of stuff that I should not be focusing on, but most of the time I can’t help it when thoughts like this pop into my head.

My partner has been so supportive through all of this. His sex drive isn’t as high as mine so sometimes he doesn’t really mind, but he definitely sympathizes with how frustrating this is for me, someone who used to be a 2+ times per day masturbater. While I’m waiting to see if reducing my medication dosage makes things better, we’re still going to work on everything as if that isn’t going to help. Hopefully, eventually, I can focus of the moment instead of that huge pressure to have an orgasm.

Since sex drive, wetness, and most other things that go along with ‘sexual dysfunction’ are not an issue, we’ll continue on the path of toys. Since both of my jobs are all about sex toys, I have a plethora. Changing it up seems to help, but when I’m having a particularly rough couple of weeks, I like to stick to what I know. That way there are no surprises (good or bad). This helps me stay more focused because I know what that particular toy does for me.

When I am having problems for a long period of time, the thing that has worked for me is extreme distraction. I usually blast a fan and some music just to get my mind off of life. The fan is great white noise and the music I chose usually has really harsh beats that I can find a toy or finger rhythm to.

The most important thing that I can express to anyone who is reading this who is having issues is communicate. Whether that be to a partner, a doctor, a therapist, etc, just talk. Make sure the people who need to know (and should know) what is going on inside your head are kept in the loop. Also, of you’re considering going on or off medication ALWAYS talk to a doctor. These types of medications are no joke.

You can always reach out to me on Twitter, Instagram, and via email thepinkspacelime@gmail.com

Here is some information on anxiety medications and libido:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/antidepressants-decreased-my-sex-drive_n_7024738
https://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/feeling-happy-but-not-sexy
https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/when-an-ssri-medication-impacts-your-sex-life
https://www.thecut.com/2018/02/ssri-sex-drive-side-effects-anxiety.html

Here is some more information on what PCOS is:
https://www.pcosaa.org/symptoms
https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/polycystic-ovary-syndrome
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pcos/symptoms-causes/syc-20353439

PCOS and Libido:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4233312/
https://www.floliving.com/pcos-libido/
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19998507/pcos-affects-your-sex-life/
https://pcos.com/low-sex-drive-and-pcos/

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Adult Content Blog Posts Body Positive ETC Lifestyle Sexual Wellness Talk

About Last Night…

I have been married to an amazing person for almost 10 years. We are best friends, we tell each other everything, we’re open and honest, and we never let things fester. Lately, I had been having some pretty serious thoughts about our relationship. After a couple of weeks of mulling things over, I decided I had thought about it enough on my own and now it was time to sit down and discuss it.

I told him that I had been getting turned on by the idea of another person fucking me, him knowing, and getting turned on by that, or even joining in. I had learned a while ago that a lot of men actually have this fetish as well, so I was curious about his thoughts on all of it. I knew that we had discussed it being his fetish when we first got engaged, but I don’t remember much else around that time.

When we met, I was with an awful human being. This man was physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive. When I met my husband, he quickly became my best friend, and eventually helped me escape that relationship.

After I had left my ex, I had a lot of healing to do, both from him and from past sexual traumas. Apparently, for me to heal, I needed to block out certain chunks of time from around the end of that relationship, to about 6 months into my new one. I had no idea that I had done this, until my husband mentioned that we had actually started practicing this lifestyle, and apparently I had a part time girlfriend. We would would fool around while he was at work, and then at one point, we had a threesome…all for me.

It was like one of those movie moments. The camera pans in really fast on my eyes as they widen from some amazing realization. I FINALLY REMEMBERED! Like most moments in your life when you remember a lot of stuff all at once, I got very emotional. I realized that my past traumas had prevented me from just BEING for a large chunk of my life and I was remembering all the things my brain had allowed me to forget. It was rough.

I was suddenly remembering all of the trauma my ex had put me through, specifically sexually, and I hated him so much more. I allowed this piece of shit to ruin my self image. He took away my ability to love myself and to feel like I deserved to be loved. He put me in so many situations that I hated myself for and forced a lifestyle onto me that I wasn’t ready for. He knew this, but never cared. One of the major non-physical traumas that happened during our relationship was, for a whole week he was fucking 2 other people and telling me that he was at the hospital with his grandfather. I only learned about that one after I had left him, hence the continued need for healing for a few months after that relationship had ended.

After speeding through all THAT lovely imagery, I got to my current relationship, and all the blocked out chunks of time within it. I remembered all of our conversations about loving each other, the fact that his sex drive isn’t what I need sometimes, and that lack of jealousy isn’t lack of love. Being so young and having gone through all that shit when we got together, I didn’t quite understand why he was so OK with this. I was confused and I thought that him ‘not caring’ about me sleeping with other people for a fetish we had, meant that he’d be out sleeping with people too, all the while telling me that ‘it’s for the fantasy’, and making me believe that I was the one who was wrong and/or crazy.

That was never the case, and in fact, we were extremely hot and heavy during all of this. The only reason why we stopped being part of that lifestyle, was that we moved. It seemed like our move away, forced me to start healing. We never mentioned it again and all of our experiences fell away.

Fast forward to 2018 when I got into my massive car accident and everything changed. Like I’ve mentioned before and in my ‘About’ bio, I suddenly began to love myself again. Having a near death experience can do that. After the accident, we had found our fire again. I was no longer self conscious of my body, so I was extremely free to explore my new found sexuality.

A few months later I began to explore the world of sex work. I LOVED it. After I stopped, I actually missed it, and I started to wonder why. I figured out the reason was because I was being adored and lusted after by other people. That lust and adoration was directly linked to my amazing ‘IRL’ sex life. After I stopped being a sex worker, our sex life slowed down again. It wasn’t as bad as before the accident, but it was definitely noticeable. Since I DID remember that in the past he had mentioned this fetish to me, I decided to take a stab at doing some of my own research. Turns out that’s exactly what I wanted as well.

When we finally sat down to talk, things were amazing. We talked about communication, boundaries, fantasies, and rules. I thought he would be totally against the idea of even discussing it, but after the realization that I probably should have gone to more therapy, things just clicked. I remembered that in my sexual history I had had a grand total of 3 threesomes, and I loved every minute of it. I remember being the center of attention for most of those events and at that point I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. We spent the next hour having amazing sex (since all that talk of other people fucking me was basically hardcore foreplay) and over the next few days we would talk some more.

Now that things are all out in the open, we’re giving it some time. We’ve gone back to having amazing sex, pretty much any time we can, and in a few months we’re going to re-discuss this lifestyle (and possibly give it a try). We’ve done solo research and partnered research all to identify the exact relationship style we’d like to have, so that there is no questioning the rules and boundaries we will be setting.

The reason why I decided to tell you this story is to show you just how important communication and honesty are within ANY type of relationship. Whether that be casual, non monogamous, open, poly, etc, you need to talk. I told him about my ideas, he told me about his worries, and so on. We understand that talking and not letting things get bottled up is the only way that we can successfully explore our options and have a healthy relationship.

[If you need/want to talk about your own experiences please do not hesitate to email me or DM me on social media]