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Blog Posts ETC Sex Positive Talk

(Q&A) Can you tell me more about strap-ons?

This is one of the topics that I, unfortunately, know nothing about. Because of that, I reached out to fellow sex bloggers for the information. I was super grateful to @kelvinsparks_ for helping me out on this one!

So, put simply, a strap-on is a combination of a toy used for penetration (usually a dildo), and a harness to keep it attached to one person’s body. Strap-ons have existed for thousands of years- there’s evidence of them existing in Ancient Greece, and even as far back as the Upper Paleolithic. While they’ve historically had a reputation for being a toy exclusively for cisgender lesbians, strap-ons can be used by people of all genders, bodies, and sexual orientations for any number of reasons. 

Anyone can wear a strap-on, and you can use a strap-on to penetrate a partner of any gender with any kind of body. You can use a strap-on for vaginal penetration, anal penetration, oral penetration, or even for manual sex. Plenty of cis straight men enjoy being anally penetrated by a cis female partner wearing a strap-on, transmasculine people of all orientations may enjoy using a strap-on for gender euphoria reasons, cisgender men may enjoy wearing one to offset difficulties with erectile dysfunction or to have double-penetrative sex, and transfeminine people may enjoy wearing one as a way to have penetrative sex without interacting directly with their genitals, or to offset the difficulties with erectile dysfunction that oestrogen hormone replacement therapy can cause.

A strap-on consists of two parts- the harness and the dildo- and while you can get “kits” that include both, it’s useful to discuss each separately. The dildo has a flared based, and the harness typically has an O shaped ring that the dildo can be threaded through.

Harness come in three general styles- three strap/jockstrap, two strap/thong, and underwear style harnesses. The three strap/jockstrap has loops around the waist and each leg, which allows for a lot of customisation of fit, leaves the wearer exposed for additional stimulation, and provides a lot of control. A two strap/thong style harness has one loop around the waist and one between the legs. While it doesn’t leave the wearer exposed some people enjoy the stimulation from the middle strap, and two strap harnesses still provide a reasonable amount of control. Finally, underwear style harnesses are designed to fit like a pair of normal underwear, and available in boxer brief styles or more feminine styles. They are easier to put on, as they’re strap free, but offer less support, so are less suited to larger or heavier dildos.

There are of course other styles of harness, such as boot harnesses, thigh harnesses, hand harnesses, or even harness masks. To make sure a harness fits properly, check both the size of your waist and hips, and the minimum and maximum diameter that the harness’ O-ring can accommodate. Some harnesses do have swappable O-rings, but either way you want the toy to fit in snugly without moving around. 

When getting a dildo for your first strap-on, the best measurement to look at is girth, not length. The partner being penetrated doesn’t have to take the whole length of the dildo, but they will have to take the girth. You’ll lose a bit of the length from just wearing it in a harness, and having some excess length to play with will make positioning and thrusting easier to figure out. Fingers are a good way to figure out sizing- can the partner being penetrated comfortable take one, two, or three fingers? A whole fist? The diameter of however many they can comfortably take is a good indicator of the diameter of the right dildo for you. Make sure that the dildo diameter and base fit into your harness O-ring, and make sure that your dildo is made from a body safe material like silicone. 

Visit Kelvin Sparks

Website – https://kelvinsparks.com/
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Adult Content Between the Sheets Blog Posts ETC Sex Toys

Introducing Toys in the Bedroom (BTS #1)

Question: How can I introduce toys into the bedroom?

Introducing toys in the bedroom can be a daunting experience, but it doesn’t have to be! Sex toys are fun, sexy, and the perfect way to try new things. Communication and honesty are key when trying anything new with a partner. There is no reason to fear a sex toy. Just make sure both parties are comfortable (and the toys in question are body safe!!).

Read what other sexperts have to say below!!

Kaja Echo

Toys can be such a fun way to enhance your sexual experience, solo or with a partner. If your partner is a little hesitant to try them, I recommend starting with a little bit of research – online and offline!

One way to gauge your partner’s interest in a particular toy is to periodically show them photos of toys that interest you. You can say, “This looks cool! Would you ever try something like this?” Or you can tell them specifically what you like about a toy: “I love the shape of this dildo” or “The silicone looks like it would feel so nice!” Sometimes I bookmark articles about toys I’d like to try and when our online conversation gets a little naughty, I’ll send him a link to a toy review and let him know how I’d like to use it on him or myself. Putting it in context allows your partner’s imagination to run wild. 

A fun, flirty, and dirty date can be a shopping trip to find a toy to use together! I’ve found that trips to my local shop are educational in two ways. Browsing together inspires conversation and provides you with a safe, sex-positive space to explore. Many shops have a playful vibe and laughter can often inspire connection and help you drop your guard. You can also get help from the shop’s salesperson and learn about how to use a harness or perhaps what impact toys are best for beginning use. Have the salesperson show you how a vibrator works or which lubes they like. It’s all inspiration for when you get home…

Introducing something new into the bedroom can be a bit scary for some of us. Asking for what we desire makes us vulnerable. But as long as you and your partner are willing to communicate and negotiate, introducing toys into the bedroom can be a light-hearted, hot as fuck way to connect.

DildoQueen (Meg)

I get this question A LOT in my DMs. Everyone has their own backgrounds and experiences that shape their perspectives on sexuality and sexual expression. Some people are comfortable with the idea of exploring sex toys, and others are not. (It’s totally fine either way!) That said, if you are someone who is wanting to use sex toys with a partner, there are a few tips I have that can assist you in those conversations.

The #1 thing that I am going to recommend is just talking to your partner. This seems like an obvious one, but sometimes when people get nervous they forget the basics. Tell your partner about your fantasies involving toys. It isn’t always super easy discussing your desires and sexual wants, but it is important. Your needs matter. Your feelings matter. Your pleasure matters. Letting your partner know that you care about their feelings, but also letting them know where your head is at is super healthy and wonderful. 

One of the next things I typically recommend for incorporating toys (after discussing it with your partner) is mutual masturbation. We’ve all heard of doing a sexy striptease, but have you heard of mutual masturbation? Think of it as your own private cam show. Often times, sex is rushed and the goal is to get to an orgasm suuuper fast. We don’t allow ourselves to connect in with our partners and see what their body is doing while they orgasm. Masturbating together gives you that opportunity. I can’t think of a single person who after seeing their partner getting themselves off thinks “wow. I feel like I am going to be replaced by their hands..” No. The thought is “Woah. That was hot. How can I recreate that? How can I give my partner that kind of pleasure?!”. (The answer is sex toys.)

From both professional and personal experience, I feel that often times the discomfort with the idea of sex toys comes from a place of fear. There is a common misconception that sex toys will “replace” a partner. For anyone who may be feeling this way, I have good news for you: In all the years I have been selling sex toys, I have never heard of anyone being replaced by a toy. In my personal opinion, if a relationship were to be ended by someone using a sex toy, the couple probably had some other deeper issues going on that they may not have been addressing. Either way, communication is key. Go have fun! Try something new! Access. That. Pleasure. Reach new heights and have some orgasms together 🙂


Kaja Echo

https://yespleasemore.net/

Follow Kaja Echo on Twitter


Dildo Queen (Meg)

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If you have a question or need something answered here on ‘Between the Sheets’, please email me at thepinkspacelime@gmail.com.

If you would like to be an contributor to ‘Between the Sheets’ you can also contact me at thepinkspacelime@gmail.com

Categories
Adult Content Blog Posts ETC Sexual Wellness Talk

Where is My Orgasm?

Recently, some of you may have noticed me talking a lot about my ‘missing’ orgasms. It’s not like I don’t have them, they are just very hard to come by. It makes me sad, mad, frustrated, and sometimes a little crazy. My own personal mental and physical health issues are huge factors, I know this, but I can’t be alone. I need to know that I am not the only person who can’t cum within mere minutes of diddling.

My solo orgasm, with a toy, took approx 25 minutes. The average ‘aroused’ vulva having person takes about 20 minutes to orgasm, while the average penis having person only takes about 5 minutes. That is just the average. In reality, I’m with a partner that has a hard time lasting 5 minutes, and I last much longer than the ‘average’ 25 minutes. Not really a great mix. We’re definitely working on it all. With him we’ve tried cock rings and other methods, which seem to be working great, so don’t feel too bad.

Some (bio)logical reasons for my lack of orgasms or difficulty finding them could be my anti anxiety meds or my PCOS. It’s fairly common for anti anxiety meds to reduce libido so that could be something to explore. I am currently taking 40mg of Prozac every day, which isn’t the highest dosage but I take it alongside Buspirone. Prozac is one of the worst SSRIs for sexual drive, so there’s really no surprise there. I am actually going to start halving my dosage gradually to see how that affects everything. Unfortunately, it can take up to 2 months to start to see any changes.

With PCOS, my hormones are all sorts of fucked up so I’m sure that plays into it sometimes. Also, with PCOS, changes in libido are very common. Low testosterone levels usually lead to a low libido. On the other hand, like me, high testosterone issues lead to high libido, but it also leads to some other not-so-attractive issues. Besides libido, PCOS may be a factor in sensitivity and mental health problems surrounding the illness.

I’ve also found that a lot of my issues come from mental blocks. My ex was abusive as I have talked about many times. He used orgasms as a ‘punishment’ when he was upset. He ended up bruising my pelvic bone a few times with how rough he was with me. I ended up having to continuously fake my orgasms just to get him to stop. As a result, I didn’t have my first partnered orgasm until a couple months into my relationship with my husband. I was sick of lying about it and I told him that I had been faking. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I really understood why.

Within the last few days I have been diving deep into my past and traumas to maybe find something there. Yes, I was abused as a child, yes, I had an extremely abusive ex, but I never saw anything there to indicate why those events were affecting what was happening now, with the exception of the fact that I still have some insecurities about whether or not I ‘deserve’ to be worshiped and given orgasms, even solo.

Most of the time I feel like my partner is getting bored or is hurting his arm/legs/jaw in some way because it’s taking too long. He has REPEATEDLY told me this is not the case. He loves making me cum no matter how long it takes because he likes to think of it as a fun challenge. One of his favorite things is watching me get off and maybe that pressure doesn’t help. The idea that I can’t a lot of the time makes me feel so self conscious and frustrated. I feel like I’m letting both of us down. I’m a sex blogger for fucks sake. My job is to have orgasms.

I also found out a weird thing. Before my accident, when I hated my body, I was entirely able to have partnered orgasms and easy solo orgasms. Now, I love my body and it’s the hardest thing in the world. Maybe before I thought about my body so entirely that the other stuff never came to mind, and now I have nothing to distract myself from the possibility of being annoying.

As for solo orgasms, I feel like a major factor in my issues with those is the expectation of an orgasm. I cannot stop thinking about what will get me off versus what feels really good. I mean, it all feel amazing, but even when I’m just playing with myself, I get the anxiety thoughts of ‘this is taking too long, you’re not normal’.

I was reading another sex blog the other day and the author was saying that 10 minutes to orgasm was a long time and it was frustrating for her. While I do understand that every body and mind is different, I would KILL to have an orgasm in 10 minutes. This is definitely the type of stuff that I should not be focusing on, but most of the time I can’t help it when thoughts like this pop into my head.

My partner has been so supportive through all of this. His sex drive isn’t as high as mine so sometimes he doesn’t really mind, but he definitely sympathizes with how frustrating this is for me, someone who used to be a 2+ times per day masturbater. While I’m waiting to see if reducing my medication dosage makes things better, we’re still going to work on everything as if that isn’t going to help. Hopefully, eventually, I can focus of the moment instead of that huge pressure to have an orgasm.

Since sex drive, wetness, and most other things that go along with ‘sexual dysfunction’ are not an issue, we’ll continue on the path of toys. Since both of my jobs are all about sex toys, I have a plethora. Changing it up seems to help, but when I’m having a particularly rough couple of weeks, I like to stick to what I know. That way there are no surprises (good or bad). This helps me stay more focused because I know what that particular toy does for me.

When I am having problems for a long period of time, the thing that has worked for me is extreme distraction. I usually blast a fan and some music just to get my mind off of life. The fan is great white noise and the music I chose usually has really harsh beats that I can find a toy or finger rhythm to.

The most important thing that I can express to anyone who is reading this who is having issues is communicate. Whether that be to a partner, a doctor, a therapist, etc, just talk. Make sure the people who need to know (and should know) what is going on inside your head are kept in the loop. Also, of you’re considering going on or off medication ALWAYS talk to a doctor. These types of medications are no joke.

You can always reach out to me on Twitter, Instagram, and via email thepinkspacelime@gmail.com

Here is some information on anxiety medications and libido:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/antidepressants-decreased-my-sex-drive_n_7024738
https://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/feeling-happy-but-not-sexy
https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/when-an-ssri-medication-impacts-your-sex-life
https://www.thecut.com/2018/02/ssri-sex-drive-side-effects-anxiety.html

Here is some more information on what PCOS is:
https://www.pcosaa.org/symptoms
https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/polycystic-ovary-syndrome
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pcos/symptoms-causes/syc-20353439

PCOS and Libido:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4233312/
https://www.floliving.com/pcos-libido/
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19998507/pcos-affects-your-sex-life/
https://pcos.com/low-sex-drive-and-pcos/